Blue says I’ve not been updating enough for her liking… so, she went and told me that I needed to write a list of things I Couldn’t Live Without This Summer.

I guess this is some kind of meme, but there aren’t any ‘rules’ that I see. There is no specific amount of items that need to be listed… nothing written about having to stand on your head and tickle the feet of your best friend’s neighbor after you’ve completed the meme, or tagging anyone else to complete the questionnaire. Its kind of… well… uhm… a non descriptive meme.

Anyhow – I’ve been thinking about things that I can’t live without this summer, and I’ve not really thought of a clever list.

Things I can totally live without, though?

- Gas prices. I know, I know… original, huh? But true.

- Humidity. Its overrated. Its not fun when the humidity is so high that you feel like you’re sloshing around in soup when you’re outside.

- Heat, in excess. I like it warm. I even like it kind of hot. But, I’m selective about it. I mean, it can be 95 degrees, but there better be no humidity. And, if there is going to be humidity, the temperature better be low. I dunno, like 75 degrees? But, no matter what, I better be able to access the air conditioning when/if I want to escape.

- Farmer’s tans. Enough said.

- Seeing people who shouldn’t be wearing limited amounts of clothing out in public… like at the grocery store. More power to those who can and will wear whatever they want, especially those would are brave enough to wear a bikini, but put a shirt on in the store, for goodness sakes.

Hm. I guess that’s enough complaining for now. You’re definitely getting the idea, right?

How about you leave one thing you could live without during summer in the comments, k?

I know I haven’t updated in some time.  And, I’m sure that some of you probably thought I had fallen off the face of the Earth.

Alas, you all can relax.  I am alive.

Not only am I alive, I am doing quite well, thankfully.

The anti-anxiety medication is working wonders, although I still have minor moments every now and again.  Of course, they are very manageable, thankfully.  It hasn’t been the full month yet since I started the Paxil, either.

I did go through quite the array of side effects.  None were horribly miserable, and none lasted for more than 36 hours, I’d say.

I experienced some odd effects, though.  Like, I felt that my eyes were opened extra special wide for a couple days.  I felt the need to massage my forehead to relax my eyebrows.  Interesting.

I also had a lack of appetite.  I had a little dizziness, a wave a nausea and some drowsiness.  None of these were at the same time, mind you.  I haven’t noticed the ten pound weight gain that is typical from starting this medication, which hopefully I won’t… I don’t need any help on that front, thankyaverymuch.

I have had some positive things occur since starting the medication, too.

My motivation level has increased.  I used to struggle to do minor tasks – I would say that I’m a procrastinator.  I suppose I can understand how that may of been anxiety related in the past, but it never crossed my mind before.

Simple tasks, like vacuuming or making an appointment to get the car inspected, would go long periods without being accomplished until it was completely necessary.  I used to get so caught up in the ripple affect of ‘everything that would have to be done after that task’ that I would wear myself out before I had even started.

Now, I look at the shower and think, “That needs to be cleaned.”

So, I clean it.

Like, immediately.

And, its done.

Ta-da.

Or, I think that maybe I should clean out my car.

And I do.

Quickly and easily.

(I definitely still put things off that I could do, by the way.  But, its not because I’m thinking 23498 steps ahead and getting overwhelmed.  Its simply because I don’t wanna do them, by golly.)

Its kind of a strange world, this one I live in. But, I think I like it.

You know that I had been under-diagnosing my anxiety for probably over six months.  Maybe even closer to 3/4 a year or so.

I was blaming all of this crappy feeling on allergies or sinus issues.  Which, in my defense, I do have – but not nearly as severely as I was thinking.

I kept saying that my allergies were keeping me from breathing correctly.

Now I realize its because I am so physically tense, my lungs are constricted.

I had panic attacks.  There were moments where it was so intense that I would call my best friend or my mom and cry to them to take me to the hospital because I needed a trained professional to tell me that I wasn’t really dying… so the doctor could confirm that I was only having a panic attack.  Of course, talking to my best friend or my mom normally eased the attack enough that I could work my way down from the worst of it in a couple of hours without the visit to the ER.

But, I never quite grasped the fact that I have anxiety all.the.time.

Already, I can look back to several incidents and say, “Oh, duh, Sheila.”

You’d almost think that knowing you have anxiety would make it easier to control.  Its almost a double edged sword, it makes me more anxious at times.  I can’t wait for these anti-anxiety medications to take affect.

I spent most of my day having a conversation with myself, reminding me that these intense feelings I have are on their way out of here – these pills will work their magic soon.  I have to remind myself to exhale completely… not hold my breath.  I have to move my shoulders around so the muscles will loosen, then my shoulders will drop… amazing how they’re not supposed to be at ear level regularly, huh?

On the rare occasion that I get my muscles to truly relax, they throb like they’ve been worked out harder than every before.  I have to remember that the throbbing is okay… that’ll lessen over time, otherwise I can work myself into a panic about fake symptoms of health issues that I do not have.

I’m sitting here, shaking my head at myself.  Why did I allow myself to deal with this the hard way for so long?  Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, by the way.

How did I not know how bad it was?

Yes, I am aware that there are temporary medications (Valium or Klonipin are a couple options) that could help me until the daily medications have reached their effectiveness.  But, I’d prefer to not go that route – although I am keeping the option open.

I can make it a month.

Heck, I’ve already dealt with this for how long?  28 more days should be nothing, right?

I just took my first dose of Paxil (anti-anxiety / anti-depressant) and Clariton (allergy).

Both of these are on Wal-Mart’s $4.00 generic list, which is one of the reasons the doctor decided to start me with these two. Obviously cost without insurance is a huge factor for me, especially since these are daily medications.

I find it horribly odd that the act of taking the Paxil nearly threw me into an anxiety attack… I mean, what if?! (Yeah, putting the ‘possible side affects’ on the pills is important, but… I don’t need to feed my crazy brain with that stuff.)

Anyway – now I sit here and think, “Hm. I have to wait about a month to see if Paxil will bring me back to normalcy.”

But, what if I’ve been abnormal for so long that I don’t remember what normal is? Or, what if I am normal now and taking these meds make me abnormal?

See… I think I am mental.

Really, what I am is over-thinking.

How do I turn off my brain for this month so I can wait and see? I’m sure, actually, after knowing that I’m not going to have some ‘possible side affect’ I’ll be okay.

Aaah, anxiety.

Gotta love it.

My thumbnails grow slower than my other fingernails.

I know this because the damaged nail beds from when I ripped off my fake fingernails are nearly completely grown out.

Except for my thumbnails.  They’ve only grown out about half way.

BTW, all the hype about severe storms in our area?  No dice.  Which is totally fine by me.  But, if it keeps raining like this, I’m going to have to start building an ark.  Seriously.

I’ve contemplated canceling my doctor’s appointment tomorrow for two reasons.  One: since I’ve made the appointment, my symptoms have lessened.  But, they’ve not completely gone away yet.  Two: if 3498321 tests are ordered, I have to pay for each of them out of pocket, and I’m not super thrilled with that possibility.

Here’s hopin’ that whatever my issue is can be immediately diagnosed.  Even if it is that I am just a hypochondriac!

Yup – another meme. Two days in a row. Its … its … well, whatever it is, I’ve decided to do it.

I found this over at a blog called Problem Girl, although I had seen it around a while ago. I’ve only recently found Jen, but like what I read… I’d call her and instant favorite. You should definitely go check her out.

Anyway – here’s the meme:

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favourite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favourite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

1. It wasn’t enough for Sheila to be taller., 2. Mashed Potato Gratin, 3. Tiny Titan Cheerleading Clinic, 4. Green Womble House, 5. +[ Johnny Depp: drop dead gorgeous ]+, 6. Diet Coke 1 Liter, 7. The Chesil Beach at Portland – Jurassic Coast World Heritage Site, 8. Cherry Cheesecake, 9. ~ A Kiss For Mommy ~, 10. A Flower for all my flickr friends & family, 11. Give us this day…, 12. silouette edit

I finally decided that I should just go ahead and make a doctors appointment for this blasted whatever it is that is going on with my breathing.  Benadryl just doesn’t fix the issue completely, which makes me wonder if its allergy related at all.  Heck, maybe its all due to stress.  (BTW – I stopped taking the St. John’s Wort a while ago.  Stopping it didn’t seem to affect me, so I figured why waste money to buy it?)

I called around to find a free clinic, or one based on income, and it would appear that there are none available in my county.  And, technically, in order to use the other counties ‘free services’, you need to being proof of living in that county.  Isn’t that grand?  Instead, my county hospital will set up a payment program.  Which, if that is my only option, then I’d rather schedule an appointment at Tom’s doctor’s office.  I know them there, and feel comfortable with their care.  So, point being, I’ve got an appointment for Friday at 1pm.  Hopefully they’ll just be able to look at me and say, “Oh, this is the problem.  There, its fixed now.”  Wouldn’t that be superb?

Our internet has been wonky today.  And, by wonky, I mean its been going in and out all day long.  Which is annoying, obviously.  But, when the internet goes out, so does the TV.  Which means both forms of major entertainment are gone.  Super sucky, in my opinion.  When I called my cable company, they said, “We are aware of the outage in Missouri.  Thank you.”  Uhm, Missouri is a pretty big place… are you aware of the outage in MY itty bitty town in Missouri?

My service has already blinked four times in the process of writing this post! I better hurry up and publish this while all the little lights on the little box are working.