I’m increasing my anxiety medication again.  I wonder where the top level of this medication is… and what I would have to do if I made it to the ‘top’ and it still wasn’t enough.

Whenever I increase my meds, the first couple of days wipe me out with minor side effects, then the next couple days are great.  Then, by the end of the month, I start to think I may need to increase again.  Normally I wait another month, to make sure that everything has had a chance to even out.  Then I call the doctor and ask for the increase.

Its definitely getting better, though.  I don’t feel like I’m having a heart attack.  My muscles are not so tense that I feel like I may pass out.  But, I’m not anxiety free yet.  At first, I thought that maybe I should stop messing with my medication level.  You know, like this is the best that it’ll get, and I should be thankful.

Then, I started noticing that I’m wanting to sleep much more often than before.  And, that I’m sending the roommate out to the store to get the necessities, instead of going myself.  The final kicker this time is that I chose to stay home from work this past week instead of working my already limited hours due to dropped sales.  I just couldn’t motivate myself at all to get out of my house…

I called the doctor today.

I’ll start the new dosage after this month’s script runs out, which is in less than a week.

Let’s hope this is the magic dosage for me.  I’m ready to have complete control over this.

As I approached the end of my second month’s worth of paxil, I found myself starting to slip backwards on my anxiety scale.  I was getting more irritable and less comfortable in my own skin.

After calling the doctor, and running up to Wally World’s pharmacy, I will be taking my first increased dosage tonight.  I sure hope this dosage will be the winner.  But, I will not compromise.

I will give this dosage its month to take affect, and keep a close eye on my mind and body.  If the symptoms persist, I will be contacting the doctor again.

Anxiety is a horrible feeling to deal with.  I will not let it completely take a hold of me ever again.

I know I haven’t updated in some time.  And, I’m sure that some of you probably thought I had fallen off the face of the Earth.

Alas, you all can relax.  I am alive.

Not only am I alive, I am doing quite well, thankfully.

The anti-anxiety medication is working wonders, although I still have minor moments every now and again.  Of course, they are very manageable, thankfully.  It hasn’t been the full month yet since I started the Paxil, either.

I did go through quite the array of side effects.  None were horribly miserable, and none lasted for more than 36 hours, I’d say.

I experienced some odd effects, though.  Like, I felt that my eyes were opened extra special wide for a couple days.  I felt the need to massage my forehead to relax my eyebrows.  Interesting.

I also had a lack of appetite.  I had a little dizziness, a wave a nausea and some drowsiness.  None of these were at the same time, mind you.  I haven’t noticed the ten pound weight gain that is typical from starting this medication, which hopefully I won’t… I don’t need any help on that front, thankyaverymuch.

I have had some positive things occur since starting the medication, too.

My motivation level has increased.  I used to struggle to do minor tasks - I would say that I’m a procrastinator.  I suppose I can understand how that may of been anxiety related in the past, but it never crossed my mind before.

Simple tasks, like vacuuming or making an appointment to get the car inspected, would go long periods without being accomplished until it was completely necessary.  I used to get so caught up in the ripple affect of ‘everything that would have to be done after that task’ that I would wear myself out before I had even started.

Now, I look at the shower and think, “That needs to be cleaned.”

So, I clean it.

Like, immediately.

And, its done.

Ta-da.

Or, I think that maybe I should clean out my car.

And I do.

Quickly and easily.

(I definitely still put things off that I could do, by the way.  But, its not because I’m thinking 23498 steps ahead and getting overwhelmed.  Its simply because I don’t wanna do them, by golly.)

Its kind of a strange world, this one I live in. But, I think I like it.

You know that I had been under-diagnosing my anxiety for probably over six months.  Maybe even closer to 3/4 a year or so.

I was blaming all of this crappy feeling on allergies or sinus issues.  Which, in my defense, I do have - but not nearly as severely as I was thinking.

I kept saying that my allergies were keeping me from breathing correctly.

Now I realize its because I am so physically tense, my lungs are constricted.

I had panic attacks.  There were moments where it was so intense that I would call my best friend or my mom and cry to them to take me to the hospital because I needed a trained professional to tell me that I wasn’t really dying… so the doctor could confirm that I was only having a panic attack.  Of course, talking to my best friend or my mom normally eased the attack enough that I could work my way down from the worst of it in a couple of hours without the visit to the ER.

But, I never quite grasped the fact that I have anxiety all.the.time.

Already, I can look back to several incidents and say, “Oh, duh, Sheila.”

You’d almost think that knowing you have anxiety would make it easier to control.  Its almost a double edged sword, it makes me more anxious at times.  I can’t wait for these anti-anxiety medications to take affect.

I spent most of my day having a conversation with myself, reminding me that these intense feelings I have are on their way out of here - these pills will work their magic soon.  I have to remind myself to exhale completely… not hold my breath.  I have to move my shoulders around so the muscles will loosen, then my shoulders will drop… amazing how they’re not supposed to be at ear level regularly, huh?

On the rare occasion that I get my muscles to truly relax, they throb like they’ve been worked out harder than every before.  I have to remember that the throbbing is okay… that’ll lessen over time, otherwise I can work myself into a panic about fake symptoms of health issues that I do not have.

I’m sitting here, shaking my head at myself.  Why did I allow myself to deal with this the hard way for so long?  Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, by the way.

How did I not know how bad it was?

Yes, I am aware that there are temporary medications (Valium or Klonipin are a couple options) that could help me until the daily medications have reached their effectiveness.  But, I’d prefer to not go that route - although I am keeping the option open.

I can make it a month.

Heck, I’ve already dealt with this for how long?  28 more days should be nothing, right?

I just took my first dose of Paxil (anti-anxiety / anti-depressant) and Clariton (allergy).

Both of these are on Wal-Mart’s $4.00 generic list, which is one of the reasons the doctor decided to start me with these two. Obviously cost without insurance is a huge factor for me, especially since these are daily medications.

I find it horribly odd that the act of taking the Paxil nearly threw me into an anxiety attack… I mean, what if?! (Yeah, putting the ‘possible side affects’ on the pills is important, but… I don’t need to feed my crazy brain with that stuff.)

Anyway - now I sit here and think, “Hm. I have to wait about a month to see if Paxil will bring me back to normalcy.”

But, what if I’ve been abnormal for so long that I don’t remember what normal is? Or, what if I am normal now and taking these meds make me abnormal?

See… I think I am mental.

Really, what I am is over-thinking.

How do I turn off my brain for this month so I can wait and see? I’m sure, actually, after knowing that I’m not going to have some ‘possible side affect’ I’ll be okay.

Aaah, anxiety.

Gotta love it.