I finally figured out how to take a picture of the mysterious roaming rash that has no known rhyme or reason to any aspect of it… that I can find, anyhow.

Wanna see?  Its not gross.  Its just a bumpy rash.  Which itches like absolute hell if I don’t notice it immediately and douse it with triamcinolone acetonide cream (whatever the heck that stuff is!!).

Anyhow - if you remember a couple posts back, the nurse practitioner I see asked me to try taking a photo of the rash so she could see it when its inflamed, or whatever it is.  Of course, I finally get the photo on a weekend.

Oh well.  I’ll see about stopping by the office on Monday.  Hopefully there will be no charge to show her a picture!  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can email it… sending an email shouldn’t cost any money, right?!

Rash photo = below the fold.

more…

When you go to the doctor because you have an intermittent rash that occurs in random locations on your body, it goes without saying that the rash will not be present at the time of your visit.

Then you must attempt to figure out how to describe the mysterious rash, which… if you knew how to describe it in great detail, you could of told the nurse over the phone the description and saved yourself the $100 bill for coming into the office.

After I suggested I take a picture of it the next time it pops up, of course it would show up on my right hand… making picture taking relatively impossible, since I’m right handed.

Cameras are not made for left-handed-only people, FYI.

I was prescribed a extra strength cortisone (I think) creme for the rash until I can photograph said rash and show the doctor exactly what it looks like.

Oh, and, of course, I didn’t go pick up the creme tonight.

So, of course, I am continuing to scar myself because the rash itches like craaaaaazy and I have no willpower when it comes to not scratching it.

I’d take a picture to show you, but most of the visible ‘damage’ is on my right hand.

I swear its Murphy’s Law.

I’m sure there will be a lot of posts going up about Bernie Mac’s death.  I am one of an unknown number that are flabbergasted and blindsided by this death.  50 years old is way to young, in my opinion.

And, as upsetting this situation is, I am more in shock.

I sit here, slightly shaken, because Tom has had pneumonia several times after becoming a quadriplegic.

There was one long stay that the pneumonia was so severe that the doctors wanted to put Tom on a respirator, since it had compromised his ability to breathe that intensely.  Tom refused the respirator, after having a horrible experience with one immediately after his initial injury.  When Tom’s heath had improved significantly during that stay, the doctors shook their heads with relief and whispered of close calls.

Tom battled through each time.  He’s been very lucky, all things considering.

And, although I knew that pneumonia could be potentially deadly, I never feared that Tom would not recover.  There were a couple times that I really should of been worried, though.  I don’t know if it was me being naive to the severity of the situation, or if I just never had any doubt.

Reading about Bernie Mac’s death brings me right back to all those hospital stays for pneumonia … and how lucky Tom and I are to have been able to go home.

I know I haven’t updated in some time.  And, I’m sure that some of you probably thought I had fallen off the face of the Earth.

Alas, you all can relax.  I am alive.

Not only am I alive, I am doing quite well, thankfully.

The anti-anxiety medication is working wonders, although I still have minor moments every now and again.  Of course, they are very manageable, thankfully.  It hasn’t been the full month yet since I started the Paxil, either.

I did go through quite the array of side effects.  None were horribly miserable, and none lasted for more than 36 hours, I’d say.

I experienced some odd effects, though.  Like, I felt that my eyes were opened extra special wide for a couple days.  I felt the need to massage my forehead to relax my eyebrows.  Interesting.

I also had a lack of appetite.  I had a little dizziness, a wave a nausea and some drowsiness.  None of these were at the same time, mind you.  I haven’t noticed the ten pound weight gain that is typical from starting this medication, which hopefully I won’t… I don’t need any help on that front, thankyaverymuch.

I have had some positive things occur since starting the medication, too.

My motivation level has increased.  I used to struggle to do minor tasks - I would say that I’m a procrastinator.  I suppose I can understand how that may of been anxiety related in the past, but it never crossed my mind before.

Simple tasks, like vacuuming or making an appointment to get the car inspected, would go long periods without being accomplished until it was completely necessary.  I used to get so caught up in the ripple affect of ‘everything that would have to be done after that task’ that I would wear myself out before I had even started.

Now, I look at the shower and think, “That needs to be cleaned.”

So, I clean it.

Like, immediately.

And, its done.

Ta-da.

Or, I think that maybe I should clean out my car.

And I do.

Quickly and easily.

(I definitely still put things off that I could do, by the way.  But, its not because I’m thinking 23498 steps ahead and getting overwhelmed.  Its simply because I don’t wanna do them, by golly.)

Its kind of a strange world, this one I live in. But, I think I like it.

You know that I had been under-diagnosing my anxiety for probably over six months.  Maybe even closer to 3/4 a year or so.

I was blaming all of this crappy feeling on allergies or sinus issues.  Which, in my defense, I do have - but not nearly as severely as I was thinking.

I kept saying that my allergies were keeping me from breathing correctly.

Now I realize its because I am so physically tense, my lungs are constricted.

I had panic attacks.  There were moments where it was so intense that I would call my best friend or my mom and cry to them to take me to the hospital because I needed a trained professional to tell me that I wasn’t really dying… so the doctor could confirm that I was only having a panic attack.  Of course, talking to my best friend or my mom normally eased the attack enough that I could work my way down from the worst of it in a couple of hours without the visit to the ER.

But, I never quite grasped the fact that I have anxiety all.the.time.

Already, I can look back to several incidents and say, “Oh, duh, Sheila.”

You’d almost think that knowing you have anxiety would make it easier to control.  Its almost a double edged sword, it makes me more anxious at times.  I can’t wait for these anti-anxiety medications to take affect.

I spent most of my day having a conversation with myself, reminding me that these intense feelings I have are on their way out of here - these pills will work their magic soon.  I have to remind myself to exhale completely… not hold my breath.  I have to move my shoulders around so the muscles will loosen, then my shoulders will drop… amazing how they’re not supposed to be at ear level regularly, huh?

On the rare occasion that I get my muscles to truly relax, they throb like they’ve been worked out harder than every before.  I have to remember that the throbbing is okay… that’ll lessen over time, otherwise I can work myself into a panic about fake symptoms of health issues that I do not have.

I’m sitting here, shaking my head at myself.  Why did I allow myself to deal with this the hard way for so long?  Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, by the way.

How did I not know how bad it was?

Yes, I am aware that there are temporary medications (Valium or Klonipin are a couple options) that could help me until the daily medications have reached their effectiveness.  But, I’d prefer to not go that route - although I am keeping the option open.

I can make it a month.

Heck, I’ve already dealt with this for how long?  28 more days should be nothing, right?

I just took my first dose of Paxil (anti-anxiety / anti-depressant) and Clariton (allergy).

Both of these are on Wal-Mart’s $4.00 generic list, which is one of the reasons the doctor decided to start me with these two. Obviously cost without insurance is a huge factor for me, especially since these are daily medications.

I find it horribly odd that the act of taking the Paxil nearly threw me into an anxiety attack… I mean, what if?! (Yeah, putting the ‘possible side affects’ on the pills is important, but… I don’t need to feed my crazy brain with that stuff.)

Anyway - now I sit here and think, “Hm. I have to wait about a month to see if Paxil will bring me back to normalcy.”

But, what if I’ve been abnormal for so long that I don’t remember what normal is? Or, what if I am normal now and taking these meds make me abnormal?

See… I think I am mental.

Really, what I am is over-thinking.

How do I turn off my brain for this month so I can wait and see? I’m sure, actually, after knowing that I’m not going to have some ‘possible side affect’ I’ll be okay.

Aaah, anxiety.

Gotta love it.

After giving myself an anxiety attack today from having indigestion so bad that I convinced myself I was having a heart attack, I’ve decided to start taking St. John’s Wort.  I’m not a big pill person.  At all.  Yet at the same time, I used to never have anxiety issues.

I’ve substantially freaked myself out a couple times recently.  To the point where I felt the need to go to the emergency room for a doctor to tell me that I was truly having an anxiety attack instead of whatever delusion I was trying to convince myself I was not having… (I’m sure that didn’t make any sense, really.  Just humor me.)

Anyway, I’m going to give this a couple weeks and see if it helps.

Has anyone else used this?  Has it worked for you, or was it a waste of time?

Please don’t give me any horror stories about St. John’s Wort, though.  Remember, I’m taking this in hopes of easing anxiety.  Don’t help me create more.

PS - I know there are great anti-anxiety prescriptions out there.  But, let us all remember that I don’t have insurance.  So, going to a doctor isn’t the best option for me, let alone paying outright for a prescription… Are you pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down?

PPS - Hey, Elizabeth, my jammies are uber comfy and extra cute.  Thanks a billionzillionlots and stuff.