Same As It Ever Was

1. I bought a vacuum cleaner today… for the Fourth of July.
2. I was very excited about the purchase and could not wait to get home to use it.
3. I am still very excited about the purchase, even after using it today, and am thankful to of bought it.
4. I watched my neighbor’s teenage grandkids shooting off fireworks at each other and shook my head in amazement that they didn’t cause themselves any physical harm.
5. I promptly yelled at the teenagers when their aim got a little too crazy and fireworks were being haphazardly shot towards my house and my propane tank.
6. I even threatened to call the Sheriff, resulting in parents finally addressing the situation with their children.
7. I celebrated the Fourth of July without the want to light one single firework.
8. I couldn’t wait until the neighborhood settled down for the evening… the competition for the loudest bang was really too much for my ears.

This is Tom’s niece. She’s to the point where we need to child proof everything.

She’s feeling much more confident in pulling herself up and is figuring out standing on her own.

This is her first year of fireworks. Here she is snuggled up with mommy, btw.

And this is how she copes with the noise. She’s not overly thrilled with them at all, really.

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Ooh, and Happy Birthday, Blue!!

Blue says I’ve not been updating enough for her liking… so, she went and told me that I needed to write a list of things I Couldn’t Live Without This Summer.

I guess this is some kind of meme, but there aren’t any ‘rules’ that I see. There is no specific amount of items that need to be listed… nothing written about having to stand on your head and tickle the feet of your best friend’s neighbor after you’ve completed the meme, or tagging anyone else to complete the questionnaire. Its kind of… well… uhm… a non descriptive meme.

Anyhow - I’ve been thinking about things that I can’t live without this summer, and I’ve not really thought of a clever list.

Things I can totally live without, though?

- Gas prices. I know, I know… original, huh? But true.

- Humidity. Its overrated. Its not fun when the humidity is so high that you feel like you’re sloshing around in soup when you’re outside.

- Heat, in excess. I like it warm. I even like it kind of hot. But, I’m selective about it. I mean, it can be 95 degrees, but there better be no humidity. And, if there is going to be humidity, the temperature better be low. I dunno, like 75 degrees? But, no matter what, I better be able to access the air conditioning when/if I want to escape.

- Farmer’s tans. Enough said.

- Seeing people who shouldn’t be wearing limited amounts of clothing out in public… like at the grocery store. More power to those who can and will wear whatever they want, especially those would are brave enough to wear a bikini, but put a shirt on in the store, for goodness sakes.

Hm. I guess that’s enough complaining for now. You’re definitely getting the idea, right?

How about you leave one thing you could live without during summer in the comments, k?

I know I haven’t updated in some time.  And, I’m sure that some of you probably thought I had fallen off the face of the Earth.

Alas, you all can relax.  I am alive.

Not only am I alive, I am doing quite well, thankfully.

The anti-anxiety medication is working wonders, although I still have minor moments every now and again.  Of course, they are very manageable, thankfully.  It hasn’t been the full month yet since I started the Paxil, either.

I did go through quite the array of side effects.  None were horribly miserable, and none lasted for more than 36 hours, I’d say.

I experienced some odd effects, though.  Like, I felt that my eyes were opened extra special wide for a couple days.  I felt the need to massage my forehead to relax my eyebrows.  Interesting.

I also had a lack of appetite.  I had a little dizziness, a wave a nausea and some drowsiness.  None of these were at the same time, mind you.  I haven’t noticed the ten pound weight gain that is typical from starting this medication, which hopefully I won’t… I don’t need any help on that front, thankyaverymuch.

I have had some positive things occur since starting the medication, too.

My motivation level has increased.  I used to struggle to do minor tasks - I would say that I’m a procrastinator.  I suppose I can understand how that may of been anxiety related in the past, but it never crossed my mind before.

Simple tasks, like vacuuming or making an appointment to get the car inspected, would go long periods without being accomplished until it was completely necessary.  I used to get so caught up in the ripple affect of ‘everything that would have to be done after that task’ that I would wear myself out before I had even started.

Now, I look at the shower and think, “That needs to be cleaned.”

So, I clean it.

Like, immediately.

And, its done.

Ta-da.

Or, I think that maybe I should clean out my car.

And I do.

Quickly and easily.

(I definitely still put things off that I could do, by the way.  But, its not because I’m thinking 23498 steps ahead and getting overwhelmed.  Its simply because I don’t wanna do them, by golly.)

Its kind of a strange world, this one I live in. But, I think I like it.

You know that I had been under-diagnosing my anxiety for probably over six months.  Maybe even closer to 3/4 a year or so.

I was blaming all of this crappy feeling on allergies or sinus issues.  Which, in my defense, I do have - but not nearly as severely as I was thinking.

I kept saying that my allergies were keeping me from breathing correctly.

Now I realize its because I am so physically tense, my lungs are constricted.

I had panic attacks.  There were moments where it was so intense that I would call my best friend or my mom and cry to them to take me to the hospital because I needed a trained professional to tell me that I wasn’t really dying… so the doctor could confirm that I was only having a panic attack.  Of course, talking to my best friend or my mom normally eased the attack enough that I could work my way down from the worst of it in a couple of hours without the visit to the ER.

But, I never quite grasped the fact that I have anxiety all.the.time.

Already, I can look back to several incidents and say, “Oh, duh, Sheila.”

You’d almost think that knowing you have anxiety would make it easier to control.  Its almost a double edged sword, it makes me more anxious at times.  I can’t wait for these anti-anxiety medications to take affect.

I spent most of my day having a conversation with myself, reminding me that these intense feelings I have are on their way out of here - these pills will work their magic soon.  I have to remind myself to exhale completely… not hold my breath.  I have to move my shoulders around so the muscles will loosen, then my shoulders will drop… amazing how they’re not supposed to be at ear level regularly, huh?

On the rare occasion that I get my muscles to truly relax, they throb like they’ve been worked out harder than every before.  I have to remember that the throbbing is okay… that’ll lessen over time, otherwise I can work myself into a panic about fake symptoms of health issues that I do not have.

I’m sitting here, shaking my head at myself.  Why did I allow myself to deal with this the hard way for so long?  Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, by the way.

How did I not know how bad it was?

Yes, I am aware that there are temporary medications (Valium or Klonipin are a couple options) that could help me until the daily medications have reached their effectiveness.  But, I’d prefer to not go that route - although I am keeping the option open.

I can make it a month.

Heck, I’ve already dealt with this for how long?  28 more days should be nothing, right?